The fact that it happened in the middle of a New Age seminar I think made him very leary. I didn’t know there were such a thing as a demonic counterfeit of being born again at that time, but that must have been what he was thinking. I looked at him straight in the eye and I said, “Listen sir, I have been afraid to die for some time now. I had this tattoo of the Grim Reaper put on my arm when I was 18 because I though death was very near to me. Now, I have absolutely no fear of dying at all and besides that, I wouldn’t even sit here with a black man and ask him advice unless God had done something to me! I now understand we are all the same no matter what color we are!”  This kind of shocked and insulted him and I felt bad, but he really did believe me after that. Being raised on the East Coast, almost all of my friends and I were prejudiced against blacks. It was a learned behavior and was just a fact of life. Now I knew how wrong that was. It was ugly racism! God had really begun to change my heart from inside and to teach me what was right and what was wrong.

I was very out of balance in my early days as a Christian for quite some time as it was an immense shock to my whole internal system and to my way of life. I truly did not even know there was a God up there and especially that He cared so much for me! It was certainly a “lightning bolt” type of an experience. I slowly found out what exactly had happened to me as I read the Bible over and over and talked with other Christians. I would have doubts at times but when I went to God’s word I felt so much better and reassured. The Bible was the one thing I could count on to give me truth and peace. I read other books also and learned about other religions, but the only one that made total sense and ringed true was Christianity. It took me quite awhile before I could accept the fact that I was now a JESUS FREAK!

My wife thought I was crazy for quite awhile. She slowly saw that I truly was a new person and it really scared her. She also saw I still had some of my old ways that had not yet passed away, like my temper. I didn’t realize how deep-seated my anger was in me and didn’t realize it takes time for God to take this out of a person.

My children were young, only 5 and 3, and they soon accepted Jesus into their lives. I remember distinctly praying with them one night and the Holy Spirit touched their lives and both of them were filled with the Spirit of God! My son exclaimed, “Dad, Jesus is tickling me inside!” as he was laughing and full of joy. I was amazed. Liu, however, held out for a little while before she became saved. She finally she gave her heart to the Lord Jesus four years after I got saved and now we are all serving Jesus together.

We have had many ups and downs in our life since becoming Christians but I know I would never go back to where I was for anything in the world! God truly saved not only our souls but also our marriage and I praise God for that. We just celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary and I know we would have never made it without Jesus. Praise His Name!

Soon after I got saved I got out of the Real Estate business and I began doing ministry work with abused people, which I still do today. We started a small home church back in 1990 and we meet in different houses in San Diego together. We are small in number but we enjoy the closeness and accountability a small group provides to each other. My wife is working full time now and witnesses about the Lord Jesus whenever she can. I have a small business at home on the side that helps pay the bills. There is much more to tell, but perhaps that will come at another time.

To whoever reads this, I hope this story has touched your life just a bit as I wanted to capture on paper a little of what God has done for me and my family these past 20 years and spread the message of His love with as many as possible. Thanks for taking the time to read it. May you come to know His love for you. God Bless! – Ed  (End of Part 7)

We return to our seats and Bill is next. He goes through what seems like the same procedure and appears to enjoy it immensely also. Now I am really getting nervous! I know my turn is coming soon and I don’t really know what to expect. Sure enough, we return to our seats and after five minutes or so of sitting around listening to music and waiting I suddenly feel a push from behind, as if a pair of someone’s hands had pushed me but there was no one behind me. Next thing I know I am up front with Wendy. So now I am up there in front of the Phoenix bird and some New Age song is softly playing in the background and Wendy tells me to choose an “I AM”.  I didn’t know it at the time, but “I AM” is one of God’s names in the Bible. He is known as the great, “ I AM”.  So that is blasphemy of the One, True God. It is also common term in the New Age false teachings.

For some reason I decide to choose “I AM ALIVE!” Wendy begins tapping me on my head and telling me to open up to the “spirit”. This is where I am totally freaking out inside. I remember see a picture flash in front of me of the cross on the wall in front of the altar from the old church I grew up in. I cry out from the bottom of my heart inside “ God, I don’t know if it is my time to go, but if it is please take me!!!”  All of a sudden BAM!  The Spirit of God comes in like lightning and floods my whole being with His love.  I am overwhelmed with the presence of God and for a brief time I actually left my body. I am like transported to this large hall like place and all I can see is this amber color all around me. It is the color of fire. There seems to be someone there with me but I don’t know who it is for sure but I figure it must be God. I remember saying, “Where the heck am I!”  And then just as suddenly I am back in my body. I know it had to be only my spirit leaving as my body was there in the room with all the people there. I asked them later if my body left for a short time and they laughed and told me it did not. 

I didn’t really care whether I had left in the body or out of the body as now I am totally flooded with joy and I start yelling over and over, “IT IS GOD!  IT IS GOD! IT IS GOD! HE IS REAL!  I AM ALIVE!” I repeat this over and over. The others are amazed and they are happy for me but I notice Wendy is not thrilled. I don’t know why, but she is upset. They do the cradle routine for me and I am just overjoyed and ecstatic and continuing saying, “GOD IS REAL, THERE IS A GOD! WOW, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT !!”   Wendy tells me to calm down now and not to interrupt the process for the others.  The rest proceed on through with their own “reawakening” and I just sit back in amazement at it all. At this point, I am still thinking that Wendy was leading people into knowing God, but I soon find out this is not the case at all. I go home that night in pure bliss, riding on a cloud, but also with a million and a half questions about what took place. I know it is God! There is no doubt in my mind about that. His presence is too strong in my life to deny it. But how it all happened and what I am to do next is a mystery to me.

The next day is Sunday and I arise early and head back up the highway to attend the last day of the seminar. I jump into my car and I have to find some “God music” on the radio. I do find some old hymns playing and they really speak to my heart! I know God is still with me in a strong way on the second day. As I am driving up Route 5 north, I happen to see the large concrete Cross on top of Mt. Soledad in La Jolla. It really speaks to me and it looks so beautiful. I don’t even know why though. All I know is God is with me in a powerful way and I remember thinking, “I hope this lasts”.

After arriving at the seminar, Wendy has arranged some cheesy type of church service, with her as the Reverend. She gives us some New Age message and has the audacity to pass a collection plate among us after hitting us up for $800.00 a piece to attend the seminar! I am growing more and more suspicious now of Wendy and I am starting to doubt the whole thing. This is causing me to sink and I am losing my peace and joy. Wendy talks to each of us individually next and tells me not to do anything rash for the next few weeks till I settle down and adjust to the new life.

I start asking her about God and I soon realize her God is someone different than the One that is now inside of me. She asks me some questions and finally she says to me, “It appears you have had a Christian born again experience”. She seems very disturbed by this and tries to belittle the whole thing. I am really confused and I need to find some answers. Someone out there must know about God and what happened to me.

When I arrive home that night, I start talking to my wife about God. She sees I am really different. She gets very upset and at one point grabs me and says, “Come out of there you!”. She says I am crazy and wants to have me committed to a mental institution and calls me a “religious phenomenon”. She is very upset and doesn’t want to hear anything about God. I was hoping that maybe this would save our marriage but it seems it will now only get worse instead of better. I am confused and dejected one minute and then a rush of God’s Spirit bubbles up in my soul and I forget about all my troubles for awhile. I need some answers and I know now Wendy is not the person to help me find them.

The next morning I head to the office, later than usual. I have no idea how I can even think about working. I am so high on God that all I can think of, for almost every minute of every day now is GOD! I am obsessed with Him and I want to know more about Him and especially what happened to me. I am in the office no more than 10 minutes and the phones rings. It is Sally, a divorced Real Estate lady in our office who I had been chasing around to try to get her to play tennis with me. She always refused me before because I was married. Now she calls and says, “Hi! I thought that maybe you would like to play tennis with me today!” I thought, “Oh man, no way!” I say to her, “Sally, I am so sorry but I met God over the weekend and I know He doesn’t want me to do this kind of stuff anymore.”  She is absolutely speechless. It is a total shock to her also as I was the top selling agent in the office at that time, very hard driving and after the money, and always looking at the ladies and dishonoring my wife. Now she hears I met God over the weekend. Yeah right! She says something like, “Oh, okay Neil. Good luck. BYE!.. CLICK”. I thought this was very strange that right after I met God, that now this lady had changed her mind about playing tennis with me. I didn’t know anything about the devil or how he tempts people at that time But I felt really funny about this phone call.

My being born again caused a major upheaval in the office. I had never known anyone who had been born again and I had no idea what being born again entailed either. Julie, who I shared an office with, was very surprised also and she says to me, “If I had to pick one person in the whole office (about 50 people) to become born again, you would have been last!”  I laugh and agree with her. All I know is I didn’t really know how it happened or what it meant yet, but I was overjoyed with God’s Spirit in my heart! (End of Part 6)

I remember looking in the Yellow pages trying to find some kind of counselor. I figured that just maybe I could find one that could help me with all of my problems and solve the guilt predicament for me.  I chose one who had an appealing ad and called and made an appointment to see her the next day. Her name was Wendy and she was a licensed Marriage and Family Counselor.  What I didn’t know was that she was a full-fledged New Age practitioner. At that time I had no idea what the term “New Age religion” meant anyway so I would have never known that it was anti-Christian.

Upon meeting Wendy, she sympathized with me immediately and told me that “I had a right to be happy”.  She took my side, (and my money too of course) and making me feel better about my situation. She would tell me whatever I needed to hear as long as she could get her nice fat fee. She told me how fortunate I was to have come at that time as she was soon hosting a 4-day seminar called “The Renaissance Experience Workshop” and that this workshop would transform my life and change me forever! The cost was “only” $800.00 for all four days and she assured me that this would be just what I needed to be at peace and to succeed in life. Amazingly, I agreed to sign up for it and forked over the 800.00 to her. OUCH!

Turns out it was the best money I ever spent, but not because of her or her seminar. No, the seminar was a mixture of New Age type psychology methods and witchcraft. I didn’t know that though when I was there, but God protected me throughout it. Here is the description of the seminar:

“Wendy (last name withheld), MFT has been conducting this workshop since 1984. Many hundreds of people have participated in small groups where in depth work really can be done. This is the workshop that reaches deep within the core of you and gives back to you who you REALLY ARE. The joy and awe of this workshop is difficult to describe. It can transcend your most stubborn attitudes and patterns. It can open the eyes of those who cannot see the love, joy, hope, goodness, talent, creativity, and strength they have within themselves. It moves beyond the arrogance and stubbornness of the ego. It deals in a make sense way with your subconscious self-defeating patterns of behavior–the hidden and impossible-to-get-to demons that have controlled your life against your will for years. You will become more conscious than you have ever been. You will have more positive and creative choices in your life than you have ever had. You will change your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors you have always wished you could change. This is why the workshop is called The Renaissance Experience. It can be YOUR reawakening.”

This type of hype sounds real good to a hurting person.  It certainly appeals to many people who are looking for a way to have some peace in their life. Eight people in total attended the seminar and we each paid $800.00. That is $6400.00 for about 24 hours of total seminar time. Her helpers were unpaid volunteers so she had no real overhead at all so she made over $250.00 an hour during the seminar. That makes for a pretty good haul!

There were six women and two men including me that attended. I only was told the first names of the others and I have never heard from or seen any of these people since, though I wish I could find them to talk with them about it all now. There was of course Wendy, the director of it all and her two goons. These guys looked really weird and they spooked me big time when I first saw them. One looked like Gene Wilder and the other looked like Charles Manson.

We were ushered into a small, darkened room and read a list of rules that we had to agree to follow throughout the whole seminar. Some of the rules were:  No talking except when spoken to, no discussing the seminar procedures outside of the seminar, no chewing gum, no smoking, etc. It was like we were in some kind of demonic boot camp. The whole time we were there Wendy played New Age music during the sessions. We went through a number of exercises that were designed to break down our inhibitions and our will. We were continually told about how important it was to keep the whole “Process of Transformation” a secret. We were not to share it with anyone ever.

One thing that was amazing to me was just how fast we opened up to each other during this seminar. We all were very hurting people and we seemed to bond very quickly. We were told not to hold back anything that was inside of us if we really wanted to be transformed. We were encouraged to let out our deepest frustrations and fears. We had to look into a mirror and talk to ourselves and confess our deepest, darkest secrets. I felt weird doing this as I shared things I never had told anyone else. It was through this process that my heart was actually opening up and I was encouraged to take a pillow and pretend it was the person or persons I was angry with and to pound the pillow. I yelled at the pillow and no one yelled back at me. I screamed at the pillow and cried and got really mad and it was okay as there was no one to fight with me. This was all very strange but when a person is desperate for inner peace you will do strange things sometimes.

On the third day we were told that we were now entering into the secret “transformation process”. Wendy stated she did not understand how the secret process really worked, but that it did work and that we need to relax and just let go. Well, that was setting off major alarms and red flags inside of me as I knew from past experience what happens when you just open up inside and let go. You get hurt that is what happens!

We gathered around Wendy and positioned our chairs in a semi-circle. The room was very dark and we listened to some soothing New Age music to loosen us up. Then we went into this ritual type process where the “transformation” was supposed to begin. Of course I had no idea what was going on and I was getting pretty scared as I didn’t like what was going on. It was extremely weird and spooky to me. I just sensed in my gut that something was terribly wrong.

Wendy told us that to be truly transformed we needed to open up to the Spirit of the Phoenix, which I later found out is a major symbol for New Agers. There was this large banner on the wall with a picture of the Phoenix bird dive-bombing into a pit of ashes. Here is a description of it below which I later found on a New Age web site:

     THE PHOENIX - SYMBOL OF TRANSFORMATION FOR OUR TIMES

The phoenix is a fabulously beautiful bird from ancient mythology that builds a nest of aromatic boughs, sets it afire, is consumed, and then rises from the ashes and flies away to begin a whole new life. Ancient Chinese, Sumerian, Assyrian, Egyptian, Incan, and Aztec mythology all tell of this uniquely immortal bird. It is an archetypal symbol of transformation and rebirth that is deeply meaningful for our times. We are experiencing the chaos of rapid change at the end of a great cosmic cycle. Just like the phoenix, we are passing through the fire that destroys the old life and ways of doing things. Through this painful, confusing time, the phoenix reminds us that we, too, will be reborn from the ashes and ascend into a whole glorious new life cycle.

So this is what Wendy was pushing on us. It was a New Age, demonic counterfeit of being born again!  Wendy told us that when it was our turn to receive the spirit and be reborn we would just know it and then we would come up to the front and receive our new life in the spirit. All eight of us sat there waiting for our turn. All of a sudden Jill leaps out of her chair and she is up with Wendy in front of the Phoenix bird banner. Wendy tells Jill she is to choose an “I AM” slogan now. There were 6 or 7 suggestions of what “I AM’S” we should could choose. Such as “ I AM LOVED”, “I AM HEALED”, “I AM FORGIVEN”, etc.  Whatever “I AM” we chose would be a symbol of our new life. I think Jill chose “I AM LOVED”.

Next, Wendy starts saying some words over her and then Jill is instructed to close her eyes and open up to the “spirit”. Wendy is tapping on the very top of her head and then all of a sudden, BAM! Something hits her and she starts smiling and whirling around. She then starts jumping up and down and is apparently euphoric. She looks like she is on cloud 9! We are then told to connect our hands together and form a human cradle and rock her back and forth like a baby while she is in this state of bliss. Some special New Age lullaby music is playing in the background. Jill seems like she enjoying every minute of this but something about this is making me terrified inside. (end of Part 5)

I learned I had been ritually abused by the Reverend at our small church in Stamford, CT and by a number of other people who were in his satanic cult. These memories had been suppressed for many years and I had a number of scars on my body that I couldn’t explain. One in particular was this odd, round shaped scar on my thumb. I always had said to anyone who asked, “I cut it peeling potatoes” but finally I realized that was indeed not true! I had rambled off that excuse for years but I never remembered cutting myself peeling potatoes. It had been planted into my subconscious mind and it was a total lie. The truth was I was in a ritual where blood was drained from my thumb into a cup and then used in a weird ceremony. I had blacked this out for over 30 years.

I had some lost years where I had no memory at all of what happened to me. I didn’t realize I had been abused until God’s Spirit came into my life and gradually started to reveal these things to me through our prayer group. Now for anyone reading this and thinking I might have imagined these memories or some therapist planted these ideas in my head, I will tell you that I never once have been to any sort of professional counseling or therapy of any kind after being saved. All that has been revealed to me has come very slowly over a number of years and God has been very kind and gentle with me. I always sensed that something bad had happened to me but I never could recall what it was.

When a child is sexually abused they become messed up sexually for life unless they get some healing later on. Most if not all of the child molesters who are preying on young children today were themselves victims of child abuse. Most, if not all gays and lesbians I believe, have been abused also and have become very sexually confused because of this abuse. Thankfully, now the sexual abuse is beginning to be exposed that has taken place in the Catholic Church. This is just the tip of the iceberg and there will be much more abuse being exposed in the coming years. 

Much of the lust and perversion that is in this country today is being fueled by the lust that has been implanted into our hearts as young children by the tragic invasion of sexually frustrated and perverted people fulfilling their demonically-inspired desires by raping young children. For me, the abuse had been blocked out of my mind because of the very horrendous nature of it. Now, almost 15 years after being saved, God has revealed to me almost all of it and has healed me of the effects of most of it. It has been a lot of hard work but well worth the effort.

Getting back to my story, after accepting Christ for the first time in January of 1998, by March of that year I think I had already pretty much forgotten what had happened and went fully back to the world. In fact I was worse than ever as now I had “tried God” and it didn’t work out for me so now what was I to do?

Life had become intolerable at home again as I was in a constant war with my wife. I was just desperately seeking after love and acceptance and I got none of it at home so I went elsewhere looking for it. Divorce definitely seemed like a possible solution at the time but there were two little problems with that course of action. The two prblems were of course my two child who were only 5 and 3 years old at the time. I figured I could probably get over my wife by going after another woman but the idea of losing my two precious children and subjecting them to a life with a part-time father was too much for me to bear. I felt tremendously guiltly. I knew I was wrong in seeking a divorce and for putting my own needs above the needs of my children but I just saw no hope for our marriage and I figured they would be better off without all the fighting that was going on at home.

Since I was making pretty good money at the time and being in the Real Estate business which is loaded with divorced people, I thought it wouldn’t be too hard to find a new wife relatively quickly. I needed someone to ease my pain and to help me fulfill my lustful desires that were very strong in me. I had earned the “prestigious” Centurion Award from Century 21, their “Oscar” award for having sales of 5 million dollars or more in a single year, for the previous year and I headed off to Las Vegas to pick up my precious golden statue.

Returning to “Sin city”, as it is appropriately nicknamed, stirred up a lot of lust in my heart for the old days of hedonism. I went out with a fellow agent from my Century 21 office gambling and drinking and as luck would have it, I had a very hot roll at the crap table and quickly won $2500.00. My friend was kind of amazed. So was I really. It was very infrequent that I had this kind of luck and as I look back now I think the maybe devil was helping me out at the tables to try and draw me back into being a degenerate gambler again. Surely the casinos have been a vehicle used by Satan to destroy many marriages and to bankrupt many people both financially and spiritually. Maybe I was just in the right place at the right time or maybe I was really being heavily recruited by the evil one.

After my run of luck at the casinos, we headed out to a strip show and we really enjoyed that! I had forgotten what it was like and the power of the lust just floored me! The dancers looked so beautiful and drove me insane with desire like never before. I didn’t realize how much God was pursuing me at the time and trying to help me

but Satan sure did. He was pulling out all the stops and making the world more enticing than ever! Oh the power of the lust that is in that city! The lights, the gambling, the free booze, the beautiful girls all over the place, great food, all kinds of entertainment and so on. It is today’s version of Sodom and Gommorah. That God has not destroyed the whole town yet is just another miraculous display of His mercy and His grace!

After returning home from a weekend of drunkenness and gambling, I was really beginning to feel worn out.  I was tired of my battles at home and was tired of working so hard and getting very little satisfaction from it. I needed a change but I really didn’t know how I was going to get out of the trap I was in. I wanted out of my marriage and my wife was very tired of my shenanigans. I can’t blame her as I look back at it all now. She is a very devoted wife and has always faithful to me. She is hard working and a great mother to our children. Of course she was still unsaved also so she didn’t know how to get any help for us either at that time.

I had to try and find a way to get past all the guilt I was feeling. I felt guilty for having an adulterous heart and for not being a good father. I just couldn’t see how I could escape from my marriage and leave the kids alone with only mom to care for them. My son was already having behavior problems at his pre-school and I knew it was because of all that was going on at home. I was in a real fix and I was searching for some way, any way to get some peace. (end of Part 4)

I was one of the top 10 Sales agents for Century 21 in San Diego, CA in 1987. I was making $125,000 + a year in Sales commissions and more by investing in Real Estate. The real estate market was booming in San Diego and I worked very hard to become successful. I owned several different pieces of investment property and I could see I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire soon! I thought this was what I really wanted.  

I can remember I had a framed poster on my desk that had a voluptuous blonde sitting on a Bentley with a glass of champagne in her hand. The caption under it said in big letters, “SUCCESS”. This is what I truly thought success was made of; money, sex, power, material possessions. I wasn’t very happy so I figured I just needed more of all of that stuff and then everything would be fine.

In December of 1987 it was time for me to set goals for the next year. I remember thinking something like “I have made my goals the last 4 years and I keep making more money and my life is getting WORSE EACH YEAR! I am unhappy most of the time. My wife and I fight constantly. My kids are suffering from all the turmoil in our broken home and on top of that I am totally burned out! How can I possibly set my goals to make MORE MONEY next year?”

I then came to the conclusion that the root of all my problems had to be my wife. If she would just respect ME more, do what I say, listen to ME, leave ME alone when I need privacy, etc. then everything would be okay. I was so ME centered and I couldn’t of course blame MYSELF for our troubles. It just had to be her fault, not MINE. I was providing a very good income for us. I thought I was doing what was right for a man to do by being a good provider. In the mean time I started going out drinking at night, flirting with the office secretary, who was about to be divorced, and planning my own escape! Yes, a new wife would solve all of my problems! I was convinced that this was the only answer.

I remember going out to lunch one day about this time with the above mentioned office secretary. She was a nice girl who was also struggling in her marriage and she saw no way to get out of it easily either. As we got into her car to head to a Chinese restaurant, she picked up a religious tract someone had left under the wiper blade on the windshield of her car. She glanced at it, giggled and handed it to me and said, “Here is the answer to your all your problems!” It said something like “God is the Answer” on the front of it. Inside it describe how a relationship with Jesus Christ can straighten out you life and make things right for a person if they live for Him. I laughed at her and said “Oh yeah right! Just what I need!” I scoffed at such a silly idea as I only knew of Jesus Christ as a cuss word, but I did subconsciously stash the tract in my jacket pocket.  

About a month after receiving that tract, the 1988 Super Bowl was to be played in San Diego. The two teams in it that year were the Washington Redskins and the Denver Broncos. I was given a free ticket to the Super Bowl Breakfast they were having the day before the game. I had no idea it was anything but a Breakfast for some of the coaches, players, etc. It turned out to be a special event that is held now every year before the Super Bowl to award a selected athlete for being the Most Inspirational Player for that year in the NFL. It was put on by a Christian organization called Athletes in Action.

The main speaker that year was the Head Coach of the Washington Redskins, Joe Gibbs. I was excited to be able to see him and hear what he had to say. What he shared really shook me as he spoke about his life and how he was making a lot of money and how he sometimes felt guilty for treating his family unfairly due to his responsibilities as a head coach of an NFL team. He talked about how important his family was to him and how he had a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ. I had really never heard of such a thing explained. I had grown up in a dead church and I knew nothing of God at all. I had no idea what being “born again” meant and I remember being puzzled by people with bumper stickers touting their boss being a Jewish Carpenter. I had no idea why they would say such a thing! I mean who cares if your boss is Jewish?

The Lord Jesus began reaching out to me that night through Coach Gibbs and I said a short prayer to ask Jesus to come into my life and help me be the man that I wanted to be. For the first time in awhile I felt I had some hope that maybe my marriage could be saved. I was told I was now a “child of God”, that I had eternal life and that I was forgiven of all my sins. I was given a small booklet but I never heard from anyone and I didn’t really experience God much at all that I could remember. I went to the Super Bowl the next day and I was so tempted to bet a lot of money on the Redskins for I knew they couldn’t lose having a coach like Joe Gibbs. I figured God had to be on their side but I felt guilty about trying to make money on my “inside info” so I didn’t bet on them. They ended up winning 44-10, but I was happy I did the right thing for once and didn’t gamble on the game.  (end of Part 3)

I decided I had enough of San Francisco so I remember trying to decide where I would go next. I was on a quest to find something but just what I wanted to find I really didn’t know but I felt when I found it, I would know. I remember opening an atlas of the US and closing my eyes and pointing to a spot in the open atlas. My finger pointed close to Las Vegas, Nevada so that is where I decided to go. I had grown up a gambler and loved playing poker, betting on sports, playing pool and shooting craps. I figured why not go where the real action is.  

I teamed up with a kindly, old gent named Willie who I met at the horse track just south of San Francisco. He occasionally went to Vegas and he said he would accompany me there. I only had enough money to make it to Bakersfield by bus so we hitchhiked the rest of the way. I will never forget the feeling of seeing Las Vegas for the first time. I thought I had died and went to heaven! I had fallen asleep in the back seat of the car and when I awoke I was so amazed I just couldn’t believe it! This is what I had been looking for all of my life! LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!!!  I was so thrilled to be in the gambling capital of the world and I was thoroughly convinced I was going to hit it big there.

Willie had some money so we got a motel room and had to share a queen size bed. He tried molesting me the next morning. I pushed him away and told him to knock it off. He went and took a shower and I took his wallet with $60.00 in it and left him there. I still feel bad about that to this day but I guess I felt he deserved it for trying that stuff with me. I hope the old guy made it home okay. Willie, your probably dead by now but if you by some crazy chance you are reading this, please forgive me for taking your wallet and leaving you without any money to get home. I forgive you for what you tried to do to me.

I was only 18 years old at the time so I couldn’t work in the casinos, so I worked a number of odd jobs for awhile. I ended up visiting my old home back in Stamford, CT a couple of times in between but I always wound up going back to Las Vegas to pursue my “dream”. As soon as I turned 21 years old, I went back to Las Vegas to stay forever, or so I thought at the time. I wanted so bad to be a dealer in the casinos. I ended up dealing for about 5 years or so. Made pretty good money doing it as in those days the tips were pretty good. It is a hard, boring job though as you get tired of dealing with demanding tourists, overbearing pit bosses, the eye-in-the-sky watching you, deadbeat local degenerate gamblers and so on. It surely is not as glamorous a profession as it might seem.

One night I was out gambling in downtown Las Vegas and I decided to stop in the Lady Luck Hotel where I used to work. I said hello to a few people I knew and then I walked past a Blackjack table and saw the cutest little China doll I had ever seen in my life! She actually was Taiwanese and was born and raised in Kaohsiung, Taiwan. Her name was Liu. It was love at first sight, for me at least, and I asked her to go out with me after work but she declined. I kept coming back to the casino and bugging her by playing at her table until finally she agreed to go out with me. I was totally head-over-heels in love and proposed to her within a week. Amazingly she accepted my proposal and 3 weeks later we were married in a little white wedding chapel on the Strip. The minister was the only other person at our wedding. 

Her parents, who were back in Taiwan, and her sister were shocked to say the least. They demanded that we get an annulment but I wasn’t about to get it annulled, as they desired. Thus started a long battle with her family as they had high expectations for Liu and I had just completely destroyed them all. 

Neither Liu nor I knew what each other were really like and we were soon in for a big shock. She didn’t know how much of a degenerate gambler I was and I didn’t know how tough she could be. I thought I was marrying this cute, sweet, little submissive gal who wouldn’t harm a fly. Little did I know she would turn out to be a real tiger inside who I never could fully tame. Perhaps she should have caught on when I borrowed money from her to get married? I think she first realized what she had done when I came back to our apartment and confessed I had gambled away the money that was to pay for our wedding pictures. She had a real hard time with that and the reality of whom I really was and who she had just promised to be married to for the rest of her life set in. We had some real bad ups and downs for awhile but some how we survived those first two years in Vegas.  

I wanted to start a family thinking that perhaps if we had kids, things would get better. I realized that living in Las Vegas was not a good environment for us to raise kids in so I made the decision to go back to school and I earned a degree in Computer Programmer from one of those Technical Colleges. I dealt Craps at night and went to school during the day. It was tough but Liu helped me make it through. 

I graduated from the program and I was soon offered a job in San Diego, CA at a Japanese Semiconductor package manufacturer. I moved up pretty quickly in the company as I was working real hard and kissing up big time to the Japanese bosses. I started as a Computer Operator and took care of back up and maintenance of the computer system. In those days a 100 mb hard drive was the size of a small washing machine! We had three of them when I started there and that was what the whole multi-million dollar company ran on. I made a pretty decent salary at that time but I wanted more.

 Liu soon became pregnant with our first child. It would turn out to be a boy. We named him Gregory. Gregory was my mom’s maiden name. We were hoping a child would help with all of our problems I suppose. Now I felt more pressure than ever before. I wanted a nice home and nice things for my new son and wife. I needed more income so I started selling Residential Real Estate on the side. I was fortunate enough to have sold 8 houses in my first 8 weeks! Now I was getting somewhere I thought! I soon quit my programming job and went into full-time Real Estate Sales. Every year I attained my goals and I was moving up the ladder of success! Or so I thought.

All this money I was making wasn’t really helping us at all. We were able to buy a nice home and I paid $25,000.00 cash for a top of the line, brand new Dodge Caravan. We bought a small boat but I was learning that these things didn’t really satisfy me the way I thought they would. They were fun for a short time, but I soon was restless again. Liu became pregnant again and this time we had the girl we had wanted. We named her Heather and she was a real joy to us! We were happy at times, and we both adored our children but we always struggled to get along with each other. There always seemed to be something that would cause a fight between us. (end of Part 2)

I was the third born of six children born in Stamford, CT. Stamford was a medium sized town of about 100,000 people which seemed pretty average to me. The city has since become much more upscale and expensive, but while growing up it seemed pretty boring to me and had not much going on in it as far as I was concerned. It seemed like all the exciting things were in New York or somewhere else. Nothing much happened in Stamford, CT.

 My parents were pretty normal I guess. Looking back, I think they did their best to raise all of us right. They had a lot of arguments, and my dad had a pretty hot temper, but they seemed pretty good parents to me. That was until my dad died when I was 13 and left my mom with 4 kids to raise alone. That was the hardest thing I ever faced, losing my dad like that and I am sure it was harder for my mom. Just one night, he felt pain, went to the hospital and never came back home.

I remember not being able to show remorse at his funeral. I was afraid to see my friends. I didn’t know how to act and I just shoved the pain deep down inside. It just hurt too much. Losing my dad threw me into a tailspin and coupled with the fact that now I was attending Jr. High School and meeting older kids whom influenced me in a bad way. The future didn’t look very bright. I was not stupid, and I was told my score on the IQ test was pretty high.

I started off Junior High in some of the highest classes, but when my dad died my whole world was turned upside down. My older brother was in Vietnam and I really had no one to keep me in line, as I wouldn’t listen to my mother. This was the real start of my rebellion and my rejection of the world, as I knew it.

I only attended high school, Rippowam High, for a short time. I had flunked 9th grade after crashing my motorcycle and ending up in the hospital for 69 days. I missed so much school I just couldn’t catch up so they allowed me to go on to High School, but I had to take some 9th grade classes also to try to catch up. It was no use. I was now fully into smoking pot and doing LSD and speed so I just ended up quitting school and just dropping out of society. Most of my friends continued on in school and would make fun of me saying I would be a bum with no job, etc.

I didn’t end up graduating High School until 1983, by taking the GED test. I never studied for it had never really taken any High School classes past 9th grade and yet I still passed it easily. I think I was in the top 5% in the state or something like that. Shows you how hard those tests were.

I soon got very into the big three components of rebellion; Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll. I call these the big three because they were the top three favorite forms of rebellion of teen’s back then and probably still are today. I was very angry inside that my dad had died and I hated authority of any kind. I just wanted to rebel against society in general and do whatever I pleased. I started hanging out with some guys that really pulled me down. One of these guys was particularly bad. He was not just bad, he was evil. He became the supplier of drugs for our group and we all went gradually downhill from there. We ended up going to many rock concerts and parties and getting totally blitzed week after week. Some died. Some are still messing with drugs today 35 years later!  

I decided when I was 17 that I had to get away from Stamford and get a fresh start. I decided to leave home and went to San Francisco, CA. I did not know much about the place, but I was intrigued by the glowing reports of nice weather, beautiful girls, nice beaches, and a “free” lifestyle. I was a little shocked to find out was San Francisco was really like, but it was new and exciting for awhile and I was “free” to do as I wanted. I used to take the Greyhound bus daily to the Horse Races to try and make a living gambling. It didn’t work very well.

Another amazingly dumb decision I made was to take $50.00 and to get myself a tattoo of a Grim Reaper on my arm. I was really into death metal music and I was convinced I would not live to reach 30 years of age. I had a preoccupation with death and just thought it would be coming soon. I was scared of it though.

Getting a tattoo seemed like a good idea at the time. I guess it always does to people. Later on though when I ran out of money I found out how bad a decision it was as someone on the street told me I could make some money selling my plasma at the Blood Bank. I hurried on over there as I was starving and I filled out the paperwork, waited in line and got all the way up to the booth where they draw your blood and when I rolled up my sleeve for them to draw blood the lady saw my fresh tattoo and asked, “How long ago did you get that tattoo?”  “A few months ago” I answered. “Sorry, but you have to wait 6 months after getting a tattoo to sell plasma.” I was crushed! 

I didn’t know that San Francisco was the runaway capital of the country and that there were many young kids with backpacks who arrived daily from all over the US to seek a new life. Because of that fact, there were also many perverts and molesters who came from far and wide to feast on the young prey. This is what made it scary. When you run out of money, and you’re a kid, with no one to turn to you either have to work, steal or sell your body to survive. Getting work is not easy especially if you don’t have an apartment with a phone and a track history etc. Stealing is not too appealing because of the consequences of what happens to you when you get caught and you have no one to bail you out. Selling your body sure isn’t to appealing either for obvious reasons but it is the one many young kids choose because it is in high demand. It is a fast way to get money and they just learn to block out the feelings and the memories of what happens so they can survive. 

I got a wonderful job collecting money for a supposed Polish Community Center that was to be built. I went door to door asking for donations. This went over real big. I used to use a paperclip to fish out a few bills so I could eat as I had gone hungry many days and I didn’t like that. I remember walking by these big, juicy smoked hams and roast beefs hanging in the window of this gourmet meat shop close by my motel and just drooling and feeling severe hunger pains for the first time in my life. I was free now, but I soon learned there is a price to pay for freedom.

I learned to spot the bad guys, but I remember one person who I thought looked pretty safe, who almost got me. He came around downtown looking for young, runaway boys and he wore a black reverend suit with a white collar. He seemed pretty nice and gave me his card and told me to call if I needed help. I almost did. He was didn’t give me the high-pressure routine and I was fooled by his kind voice and pleasant smile. Another man came up to me and warned me that he saw many boys go with that man but they never returned and that I should be very careful. That was enough for me as I was trying to be careful, as I knew this was a dangerous place to be in.

I lived in the worst part of town known as the “Tenderloin”. I was skinny and still could run pretty fast so I let some of the fat perverts take me to dinner thinking they were going to have sex with me after we had eaten. I would eat my dinner real fast and excuse myself to the rest room and then I was out the door and down the street before they knew what had happened to me. They were mostly big and fat so I knew they couldn’t catch me but I had to be careful not to run into the same guy again. It was a way to survive at least without risking going to jail for stealing. I was really afraid of ending up in jail, alone in San Francisco. (end of Part 1)